So, I got words.. I usually don’t talk about myself, but as the last year (and change) has been a less than auspicious time (careful Firefly reference intro over…) and I have to get some stuff out. Since this is my site, I feel like I can use it to get said stuff out. It will be 20 years this June that my dad passed away from a relatively brief and intense battle with cancer, diagnosed because he was unable to eat. 11 years ago I have to pack up and leave my home and move down south – turns out mortgages don’t get paid on good intentions and when no one wants to give you a job you have to go where the work is. Just about 4 years ago I came to this strange conclusion that depression will try to take everything if you let it – it was a shock, but I went to ask for professional help. It wasn’t a quick or easy road, and it took my recent break from social media to cement the realization that I have just been drifting, letting life happen. Sure, I finished college and started my career, but once I accomplished these goals I just kept things at a status quo, never really moving off course of day to day. Looking back I have said and done things that I am not proud of – things to keep people at arms length, keep them from disturbing my path of day to day existence, or worse make them think I wasn’t listening and didn’t care. I won’t get into specifics as I want to put those things in the past and leave them there where they belong. It turns out though that I have the honor of knowing some pretty awesome people and to them I have to say a thank you, and an apology for those things I said to keep people away.
So what does this mean for the future? … I don’t know yet, but the hardest part is done, acknowledging the problem. I’ve been trying to put all this into words for a couple weeks now and in that time I have been paring down – selling old gear that I bought that kept me bouncing from one day to the next. It has helped getting to that focus of who and what is most important. It is still a day to day battle, but I’m starting to feel like I’m regaining some direction … This is not a ‘woe is me’ post or with a bunch of excuses, but now that I’ve spilled my guts, I have made my progress out of this rut not just something that I have to hold myself accountable for, but something that everyone can smack me around and hold me accountable for (and I know a few people who will, because they did 4 years ago), actions speak louder than words.
More will come, as putting this into words feels like a positive step to breaking out.